I feel like I'm awake for the first time in almost 2 years. I've been dragging myself around when I've had to, and spending lots of time just 'resting' on the bed. Okay I hurt, but I've hurt all my life (that I can remember) so it shouldn't hit me that hard. It's the brain fog and the total lack of energy for anything at all - talking to people, thinking - well anything. I've been sitting away from everyone to use the computer and often to eat my meals. Yesterday I moved my computer to the dining table so that I'm with the others. I've even done a little cross-stitch - I haven't done any since we got Marlowe who keeps trying to sit on my knee and attack the needle.
I said to Tony yesterday, that I was suddenly feeling alive and wondered why. He told me to just enjoy it and not worry, so I am doing.
I'm even sat downstairs at my main computer now at nearly 9pm. It's been a long time since I was still up at this time.
I had been going to write a post about how unfair it is that even though I look after my diabetes, I'm still getting problems. Then when I thought about it, I realised that although I've kept my sugar reading reasonable I haven't really been looking after my sugar. I've been eating lots of fruit. I know we're told fruit is healthy - but not to a diabetic. It's carbohydrate which converts to glucose which in turn pushes up blood sugar & insulin need. As a type 2 it is more than likely that I suffer from insulin resistance so pushing up the need is not good.
This has all come about because I was at the doctor's yesterday. I've been put on Ramipril - a precautionary drug to stop damage being done to my kidneys - but they were making my feet very jumpy, so the doctor changed them for a different drug. If I can't take this one then I won't be able to have any, so I asked what I could do to help and she replied that I should lose weight by following a low fat diet. I told her that to lose weight I follow a low carbohydrate, high fat, medium protein diet and she was happy with that - as long as I lose weight.
At just short of 200 lbs (90.7 kilos) I am only slightly higher than my lightest weight as an adult. Tony suggested that as I've never been slim, why not try to aim for it. After all I know that it's not going to make any difference to my life - except, perhaps, my health. So I'm going back to the low carb. It's a shame I decided this on a Thursday, when we get our shopping delivered on a Wednesday - lots of apples, pears, bananas, peaches nectarines, strawberries and blueberries - the last 2 being the most acceptable on low carb.
A new beginning for our bright new place in the world.
Speaking of which I was surprised that the Leave campaign won. Both sides were so negative, stating what would go wrong if we did the other thing, but nothing positive about what would happen if we voted the way they wanted us to. It does look like areas/people who have been left with crap jobs and high unemployment - manufacturing areas that seem to have been turned into call centres - have voted against the more affluent big cities and professionals.
We will never know what life would have been like if the vote had gone to the remain as we can only live the life we have. What we need now is positive intent to make the decision have a good effect on the country rather than a negative one.
I picked this up on Facebook, but this is the only connectable link that I can find. If he's only half right then the world is in for as great a change as caused by the industrial revolution. It would be nice to think that it would all come good for the 99%, but I reckon that the 1% will work out a way that they will make a lot of money out of it and the 99% still end up paying.
I feel that I've sort of worked out who I am. I grew up being told that I was a bad person who would always let other people down,I wasn't very bright, clumsy, unlovable and without my parents and brother behind me I'd be a complete failure.
Tony has been telling me for 25 years that they're wrong and it's easy to say that I didn't believe it, but I think that on one level I did. After all these are the people who know you best and understand you. Only they don't, they don't know me at all.
I think that in a way, I've spent the last 3 years since I moved 300 miles away from them waiting for the people who have got to know me well to be sickened by me and tell me that they understand what my parents mean. But they haven't, Jenny actually told me the other week that I'm a thoughtful person - which meant a lot to me.
The main person that I've let down is me. I believed the script they wrote for me. I didn't study in school, because what was the point, they told me often enough that I wouldn't understand it. Comments like 'Aileen only passed for Grammar school because her birthday is at the end of August, so she got extra points'.
All that is behind me now. I realise that I won't fully know who I am until my life is over, but to be honest, I think I'm okay.
I'm not posting as often as I wanted to - but hey it's a lot more than I was doing.
I've decided that I'm not going to spend my life sat upstairs, on the bed. I have a hospital style chair (straight up, padded, with a plastic cover and which can be raised or lowered by moving E rings into higher or lower holes), that Occupational Therapy gave me about 15 years ago and so I bought a 17 inch square bean bag pouffe and it all allows me to sit as though on the bed.
I know that part of the problem is anxiety and panic. You see, I'm safe upstairs, if anybody knocks on the door I don't have to see them - stupid at 61, isn't it?
I'm also back to doing my cross stitch. I've had poliphilo/Tony moving furniture around until I found the 'right' place for me to sit. I'm going to try to sit up until Shirley goes to bed at 9 pm. Last night she couldn't undo her bra and Tony found it a difficult thing for him to do for her - quite right she's his mum. If I can hang around at least I could help with that. I can't do much due to pain and stiffness, but that much I could.
Tomorrow will be the first time out since Boxing day (except for nipping to the doctors for everyone's tablets). So far we are going to St. Mary-in-the-Marsh to see E Nesbit's grave and then on to the Woolpack at Brooklands for lunch - though the pub could change if Tony sees anywhere interesting before we get to Brooklands. He wanders around churches and graveyards and I sit and read my Kindle. I love driving, but it's enough in a day.
We made a flying visit to Manchester this week. Drove up, stayed over night in a hotel, visited my mum, back to the hotel for the night, drove back. The hotel was an Innkeeper's Lodge, very comfy, usable shower, the lot. My mum was quite cheery too. I think she's getting used to me not being around all the time, I do talk to her on skype twice a week.
In the 3 days away I put on 4 lbs, 3 of which have come off again now that I'm back to sensible eating.
I've discovered sugar free sweets. My favourites are chocolate eclairs, but a problem with dentures is that sweetener has a habit of sticking to them, so a chewy sweet causes teeth sticking together problems.
A while ago I sent my mum symptoms of fibromyalgia as she kept saying that being in the south didn't suit me as I spend a lot of time upstairs, sitting on the bed. It was to show her they signs as symptoms so that she wouldn't worry, but she showed it to my brother, who said that I'll be sitting on the bed to work out what symptom I should have next. They seem to think that CFS doesn't exist. I know better.
I find it odd - if I went into a bookshop, picked up a book and left it would be stealing. Yet a lot of people - some of whom I'm related to - don't think that taking a book from the internet is stealing. I only really thought about it once I started reading e-books from the library. So many of them were unavailable - out in other words - when the library buys the e-book that's just what it buys 1 book.
I expect it means something to me as several members of the other side of my family write, publish and sell books - and try to make a little profit at it. Very few writers get huge advances, but even if they do should we feel entitled to 'steal' it when we want to read it - we all pass books from one to another, but downloading a whole load of books just seems wrong to me.
Every two months we take Shirley to the eye hospital, she has macular degeneration and has had injections into her left eye as she had a wet bleed. This stabalised her eye sight in that eye, she is almost blind the other one. As both Shirley and I are wheelchair users I spend my time - yesterday was the shortest visit at just over an hour - sat in the car reading and Tony takes his mother in. They do a reading test, put drops in and take a scan and from there decide whether she needs an injection or not. There was talk at the end of last winter of discharging her to a specialist optician.
They have offered an operation on her right eye - it's a relatively new op - and cataract treatment for her left. I sat with her and went through it all yesterday morning, but after explaining it all to her, she then asked what we were talking about. Even if she could read the paper, she wouldn't understand it, so we don't think she should go through the hassle. Though they are going to do some sort of laser treatment in the next month or so. By the time we get there she is usually feeling sick, is it worth it?