October 28th, 2007

Dizzy but happy

Last night as I was feeling pretty dizzy, I decided that the best place for me was bed.  So at 7pm BST off I went.  Now our bathroom is at the top of the stairs on the left and our bedroom is up another stair and left along the corridor.  This meant that everytime I went to the loo poor

poliphilo had to come upstairs and make sure that I was safe crossing the top of the stairs, and even worse in the night - I go to the loo 3 -4 times every night, eventhough I tried not to wake him, he accompanied me and kept me safe.  He did this in a cheerful good humour - when I apologied he just brushed it away with 'it's the least I can do'.  I'm so relieved that no-one was smart enough to marry him, after his marriage break-up, before I came along.

I was a sad individual when I met him.  I'd tried to commit suicide the week before - and came close to succeeding, 60 paracetamol and 1/2 bottle of whisky with coca-cola.   I lived in my own house which had an unhealthy atmosphere, had a frizzy curly perm and smoked 40 cigarettes a day.  

He had put an ad in our local newspaper, I replied, we met, I moved in the following weekend and we married exactly 4 months from our first meeting.  The rest as they say is history.  Now I've changed completely.

I've learned to laugh again, and not to throw tantrums but to state calmly what is wrong/my needs which aren't being met.  Giving up work, which I don't think I'd of had the courage without him, made a huge difference.  I was always panicky and on top note when I was working - I'm still panicky if I'm on my own and someone knocks that the door - but having [info]poliphilo at home with me all the time, means I can relax, I know that I'm safe.

I've learned a lot too.  I now take an interest in the world around me - politics, art, history, and the like - I'm studying with the Open University.  My brain has had a complete click over.  The first 3 courses I did with the OU (in the 80s) were Foundation level Maths, Foundation level Technology and 2nd Level Pure Maths, since I went back to it 3 years ago I've studied a 2nd level Introduction to Literature and a 2nd level course from Enlightenment to Romanticism and next year I'm studying a 3rd level course on Shakespeare.  I used t think that Maths with its logical yes/no answers was the bees knees and 'the Arts' a waste of time, woolly and totally baffling.

I can remember telling a friend that actors should get proper jobs, artists were con-people and could see no grey in the world - very judgemental.  Wicca made a huge difference, you have to look into yourself, examine your responses to any and every situation and - the hardest for a lot of people, not just me - learn to love, like and trust yourself.   I learned to listen, that to empathise with someone doesn't mean becoming emotional and trying to take on their problems, but to be a support to them, to enable them to sort it out.

Anyway - enough ramblings about me for now. 
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