January 3rd, 2005

The Reasons Why

As well as acknowledging that I have an eating problem I'm trying to sort out why.  It's okay to say that all my family are fat (by which I mean parents, brother, sister-in-law etc.).  I think my parents - who pulled themselves out of abject poverty, saw being hungry as a sign of being poor, so we ate, not well, but a lot.  Plenty of fatty meat, potatoes and - it being the 50s onwards - vegetables that had been pressure cooked for as long as they would have been cooked in a normal pan, i.e. until they were mushy and tasteless.  And at  junior school we had to show our  empty plates to the headmaster before we could have dessert.  It was a time of throwing nothing away.  The only time you were excused eating something was if it made you physically ill.

So that's the past.  But I've been feeding myself for the last 27 years.  My first husband also had a tendency to put weight on and overeat.  He'd lost a lot of weight before he met me but after we married we both just piled it on.  I put on 42lbs in 3 months.  I've followed every diet you can think off and never got below 168 lbs (my weight at 13). 

I have issues with my parents, but I've come to the conclusion that they did what they could and are now a couple of old people, and wouldn't understand if I brought up my issues.  I would just say that they used emotional blackmail and psychological abuse - I was the scapeoat if anything bad happened.  My mother would fill my plate whilst telling me how bad I was to be over eating - and how bad I was if I left the food she/they had worked so hard to provide - I was permanently ungrateful and forever letting them down.

So I'm still treating myself badly with food.  It's taken a lot for me to be able to leave food on my plate, after all no-one likes throwing food away.  poliphilo has had to insist that I may.

poliphilo is so very supportive.  He never made an issue of my weight until I did and has told me that the main reason he wants me to lose weight is so that hopefully I'll live longer and we'll be together for longer and able to do as much as we do now when we're older.  Although he can eat plenty and not put weight on.

Yet the only person I let down when I overeat is me.  I'm so much better since losing four stone (I went from 252 lbs to 196lbs) I'm now 215.25 lbs and would like -over the next year or so - to get down to about 147lbs.  It's a lot to lose.

  • Current Mood
    contemplative contemplative

Today's food

Breakfast:  20 grams protein powder, 1 cup strawberries, 1/2 cup  crushed pineapple - all blended together.

Lunch:  2 veetarian lincoln sausae links, 120 g spinach, broccolli (sp?), cauliflower, 2 teaspoons tartare sauce.  1 apple, 6 grapes.  I glass slimline tonic water.

Evening meal: 6 black pepper oat cakes (76g) 100g quorn deli style ham.  I apple.

I should be having 2oz low fat cottage cheese & a kiwi fruit for supper - we'll see.

Over the day I've had 2 Echinacea and Orange teas, 1 Dr. Stuart's Tranquillity tea & 1 liter of water.

  • Current Mood
    cheerful cheerful