June 19th, 2004

Life

My life is just what I want. Yes I know I'm in pain - but the morphine helps, I take blood-pressure tablets and myriad other tablets every day yet I wouldn't swap places with anyone.

poliphilo my beloved husband is also my carer and is here with me (though usually in a different room) all the time.  I have 2 part time carers - Denise who takes me swimming and does some cleaning if I need her to (poliphilo  tries his best but imho men can't clean bathrooms) and Khadijah who sits and talks and takes me to her home where I get to play with her baby Aisha and her 2 older children Faizan and Faiza and to eat wonderful authentic curries.

I have 3 step-children whom I adore alice_g  and manfalling and the youngest Joe who is in the British Army, a brother and sister-in-law & family I'm close to.  I could ask for nothing more.  I worry that I have too much and am heading for a fall, but I'll enjoy what I've got whilst I've got it!!

And my Gods - Hermes, Aphrodite, Minerva, Hephaestus, Pan, the Morrigan, Hertha - and the first Goddess who accepted me - Baubo - the laughing crone whose genitals were such that when she showed them to a mourning Demeter they made her laugh.  Without my Gods I would have nothing and be nothing. 

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Life and the Gods

One week before I metpoliphilo  I tried to kill myself - and nearly succeeded.  I took about 70 paracetamol with half a bottle of scotch whisky mixed with cola.  My lodger was out and arrived home an hour early and although I had gone up to bed when I heard his key in the door, realised what I had done and called an ambulance.  I was lucky.  Paracetamol can kill in very small quantities.  I'd been drinking every day for months and it's thought that the alcohol stopped my liver from absorbing the paracetamol. 

The morning after I was visited by a young psychiatrist (she looked like she should have been in school - but it was Sunday) and told her that although it had been right at the time I would never do it again.  I had this calm certainty that told me it was true and she believed me.

I was let out of hospital on the Monday and returned to work on the Tuesday.  The girls at work persuaded me to look at the Manchester Evening News Companions section.  Most people wanted someone '5 foot 2 inches, blond and slim'.  I don't fit any of these catagories.  There was one which read "Pagan Poet (40) seeks woman with guts". 

The girls reckoned he was a nutter but I answered it, because being 16 stone I had plenty of guts!  He got 12 or 14 replies but when he was ringing round on the Saturday morning I was the only one that answered.  We met on Monday evening, slept together, met again on Wednesday, at which time he asked me to meet his kids on Saturday.

I met his kids, got on okay and that was that.  We either both slept at my house or, more likely, at his.  After a fortnight he asked me to move in officially and after a month we booked the wedding for 3 months in advance (my birthday). 

I've never looked back  I know that I was extra lucky in that I stopped drinking after being in hospital and had no withdrawal symptoms nor nothing, I just stopped.

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Initiation

In 1992 I was initiated into Wicca.  I won't say that I was initiated into witchcraft as I don't believe I was.  The coven I was part of was mainly into the Gods.  We  ( poliphilo & I) left and set up my own coven  after about 22 months, which we ran for about 10 years.    

I had been a practicisng Christian and poliphilo an Anglican priest.  In fact just before I met poliphilo , when I was in hospital, I took communion.  It was like taking a step back from the Christian picture and seeing around it, seeing the Goddess.  If you ask the same questions I did, - if God saw man in his own image where did he find woman & if God was alone where did he find the concept of lonliness - then adding She makes sense.

Before I was initiated I could make a wall 'disappear' and see what was going on outside.  This, and other gifts, vanished on the night I was initiated.  I could see through the eyes of my Gods I didn't need 'magic'.

I now live my life seeing all as Gods.  Everything is part of The Divine - even those that I feel I have every right to hate. 

My Gods aren't omnipotent.  They can be petty.  They make mistakes - I know, after all they live in me.  I can't forgive my Gods the past.  Shit they shrug their shoulders and say tough, but I've learnt that the answer to "why me?" is "why not?  what's special about you."  That has to be the most painful thing ever.

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