craftyailz (craftyailz) wrote,
craftyailz
craftyailz

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Apathy

Poliphilo has been a real pain recently. I thought he had something serious - cancer or other fatal disease. I've been lying awake at night listening to his breathing just waiting for it to stop. When we were away he suddenly got to the state where he could barely tell me who he was never mind whether he wanted to go to an internet cafe or not (which was the discussion at the time). We went back to our hotel - only to find that the lift was broken, and we were on the 3rd floor - no way I was going up there via the stairs as I'd not have been able to get down again for about 12 hours - and I blew up at him and got upset and told him how I felt about his behaviour and begged him to see a doctor when we came home - he doesn't believe in doctors!

We discussed it and he decided that it wasn't really physical at all it was mental. He was depressed. As his father died only 6 months ago - and the reason for our trip was to go and spend his dad's birthday with his mum - I could understand it. Also he's a writer, in the last 2 years he's written 2 darned good books, 1 pretty good book and 1 so-so book, 2 of which we sent to agents but have got nowhere. His latest - and best - book is out with an agent at the moment.

He feels like he's a failure that he's 53 and has got absolutely nowhere. Yet he isn't. I reckon he will get taken up eventually - he's a good writer so he should - and we've not really worked ourselves to death trying to get him taken up.

I am going to try sending his other good book (Mammary Hill) out again and also some of his short stories to magazines. I'm happy to do it. I'm even happier now that I've got my partner back, and don't have to worry about him dying.

We decided that we are in a rut at home. We do nothing. We see no-one, yet we got around London, visited galleries - lived a little (not much but a little) - and we are going to keep it up now that we're home. I'm going to do more walking and we are both going to get out and about more.

He is going to allow himself to be hauled away from the computer more often.
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